Everytime I step Barney-purple shower shoes-first into my entryway shower, I wish I were tits-deep in the ocean. Sometimes all we need
MoreYou live in the suite across the hall, right? Yeah, we actually have met before, but it’s okay if you don’t remember
MoreIt’s a chilly, rainy, sad Thursday morning, the kind when you forget your umbrella at home because being miserable feels right. You
More5. Write Them A Love Letter: Well, not exactly a “love” letter per se, more of a “there are plenty of fish
MoreHey Facebook! Calling all Yale men: are you an eligible bachelor looking for the *perfect* date to first year formal? Stop looking
MoreWhat’s up, ladieeeeeeees? The name’s Jeremy and I’d love to kiss you. No worries if you don’t want to, though. We could
MoreSo, I got this approximately 21 years ago. I asked my mom about it, and she said that it’s a family heirloom
MoreYA 1: I’m overdressed. YA 2: You’re not. YA 1: The socks aren’t too much? YA 2: You’re ONLY wearing socks. Don’t be so nervous.
MoreCredit: You are T-Pain. After a long and illustrious musical career, resplendent with hits like “I’m N Luv (Wit a Stripper)” and
MoreStop pretending. January’s over, and so are your “goals” for the year. You’re not going to read more. You can barely handle
MoreMillennials aren’t just any snowflakes—we are vicious snowflakes in Elsa’s tumultuous ice storm, terrorizing the economy and traditional industries until they are
MoreCredit: You’ve been a TikTok fan since the music.ly days. Since before its purpose was to help China to steal your data.
More5. Bed, Bath & Beyond Burger: Like furniture? Like food? Don’t have time to shop for both? Find it between the Yankee
MoreEvery night he invites his weird friends over to sing a cappella in Eldritch tongues that were not made for the human
MoreI don’t know what to do anymore. Every day I come home to my beautiful house, and there on the beautiful pullout
More5. The bathroom a floor below or above yours in your entryway. Nothing says diffuse the blame like never taking a shit
MoreTwenty-five feet. The training montage music from Rocky IV starts playing in my head as I think back to my preparation these past few
More1. Do you open umbrellas inside? A. YES! B. NO! C. Sometimes! 2. How many rabbit feet do you own? A. Zero.
MoreWe’re starting with this month, because that’s what Cosmopolitan does. So first: SCORPIO You’re like a scorpion. Kids are really scared of you. In
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