Making love (7/10)
Of course, it’s a classic. But let’s be honest, the year is 2024—how many sexual encounters are really centered around love? Let’s leave this one to long-term relationships, network television, and awkward conversations in 9th grade English class that dance around the fun stuff.
Doing it (9/10)
Simple. Fun. Shockingly underutilized.
Hooking Up (5/10)
Eh. This just feels unspecific. Also, sometimes my parents will ask if I plan on “hooking up” with someone while I’m home and they just mean hang out. I’m tired of explaining it.
Any sort of hand motion (think: index finger in hole made by other index finger and thumb, mashing hands together dramatically, etc.) (8/10)
Sure it’s a little juvenile, but unlike any of these verbal options, this one can be used in talking-unfriendly locations (i.e., classrooms, libraries, the orchestra, funerals, when they play the national anthem over the loudspeaker at a high school basketball game, Quaker meetings)
Bumping uglies (4/10)
Fun to say. Tricky implications; re: the person with whom you wish to bump.
Shagging (9/10)
Not just for Brits! There’s something fun and uber-casual about this one. Unlike the similar “smashing,” the actual action is relatively unclear which I think is a pro. Let’s bring this one across the pond.
Hanky panky (5/10)
Rhymes are fun, but does hanky mean handkerchief? What are you doing with the handkerchief? Where does it go? When? Furthermore, what is panky?
Playing hide the sausage (0/10)
Don’t like this one at all. The idea that you are hiding something is concerning. Everyone should know where the sausage is at all times.
The no pants dance (3/10)
Again, rhyming is fun, but not like this.
To know someone in the biblical sense (4/10).
In reference to Genesis 4:1 “And Adam knew Eve, his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain.” Okay, so this shows that you know theological texts (know in the regular sense). Maybe that’s sexy. But also, it feels like know vs. know gets into that complicated talking vs. talking differentiation. And, Cain killed his brother. Do we really want to uplift sex that leads to fratricide? Pass.
Bow chick a wow wow (1/10)
Virgin.
Make the beast with two backs (10/10)
Commonly attributed to Shakespreare’s Othello, but alleged to have origins before. Whoever came up with this one knocked it out of the park. This rocks. I would add that, in this day and age, feel free to include as many backs as you fancy.
And now, a few originals:
Bop it. Twist it. Pull it.
Use just one or all three depending on the mood. Add “Shout It” if you’re feeling wild.
Jeffrey Toobin’
In honor of the former New Yorker writer who lost his job in 2020 after, well, toobin’ himself on a staff Zoom call. Now that I think of it, perhaps keep this one for the times you make the beast with just one back.