Everytime I step Barney-purple shower shoes-first into my entryway shower, I wish I were tits-deep in the ocean. Sometimes all we need to re-inspire that joie de vivre is a bath. A warm, skin-soothing, mind-fucking bath. You might think such perfection could be hard to achieve here at Yale, but in my time, I’ve found these places get the job done.
1. The 2nd Floor Sig Nu Shower / Leo Hot Tub
Me? Yeah, I was at that Sig Nu mixer. Oh, you didn’t see me? That’s because, while you were drowning in keg foam, I was drawing myself a bath. I taped the shower door shut, blocked the drain with my solo cup, and soaked in a sweet, sweet solution of vodka and water. After finishing up at 37 High St., I did some subtraction, and hit the Leo Hot Tub on 35 High. Why do they have a hot tub? I don’t know, and it should probably be illegal. But what’s another STI?
2. Ice Machines in the Basements
As Yale students, sometimes we work out. Once a year, we also have sex. These activities make us sore and in desperate need of an ice bath. Luckily, when Elihu Yale founded this fine institution, he had a vision in mind: to arm every college basement with an ice-machine. Slap a “closed for maintenance” sign onto the front, get naked, get inside, and get frosty. Post bath, bring the ice up to your dorm and blend yourself a dirty margarita. You deserve it.
3. The Silliman Igloos
Ever wondered what would happen if you flipped one of the Silliman igloos upside down? Well, it would look like a Silliman igloo but flipped upside down. But this would make it the perfect shape for a bathtub—coincidence? Not, I think. So, knock over that igloo, get a hose, fill it up, hop in, and bask in the glory of your own resourcefulness.
4. Morse/Stiles Kitchen Sinks
Have you ever been to the kitchen of Morse and Stiles? I haven’t. They won’t accept the hand-drawn sticker on my ID. But, based on the daily hordes of feasters that gather there, I bet their sinks are huge. Hit them after hours, squeeze your ass in, and watch the dish soap bubble. While your limbs may dangle, and sink size might make bath sex a challenge, you can still pamper your mid-section and maybe play with a dirty fork or two if you’re feeling frisky.
5. Cross Campus Walkway in the Rain
When it rains, it pours. When it pours, God may take away our happiness and reason for living, but not without replacing it with a natural, Earth-borne bathtub. Whoever said “hips don’t lie” never laid their hips down against the stone Cross Campus path in the rain and let the mineral soil and water soothe them like an angelic masseuse. Next time the weather app reads pouring, instead of excusing yourself from class to stay in bed, excuse yourself from class to lie next to that fucking flagpole and bathe beneath the Lord.