Woes of Going Home

Graphic by Robert Samec
Graphic by Robert Samec

Am I excited about going home for break? I mean, I guess. It’s kinda weird, though, right? Usually, we get to come back right after the week of Thanksgiving, but now we can’t come back until, what, February? That’s fine, though. I’m just a little worried about being with my family for that long. You know how it is; my younger sister is super annoying, I go crazy spending all that time in the house with my dad—all the usual stuff people go through when they go home.

Like, you know how everyone has that thing in their basement? The thing that screeches and keeps you up at night? I’m not usually home for that long, you know, so the sleep loss is bearable.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on not being able to see friends. How am I supposed to get dinner with Sara and Felix? What the hell am I supposed to do, FaceTime them while I’m eating?? Like we’re having an interactive mukbang? “Hey Felix, pass the potatoes! No, not there… they’re over there, next to the stocks app.” 

Okay, but that thing we all have in our basements can get a little scary at night, right? Like, literally stop crawling up the stairs towards my room to try to rip my heart out of my chest! It’s so annoying having to bring holy water and a cross with me whenever I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

I do miss home cooking, I’ll admit, and definitely will not miss the dining hall food. Speaking of food, it can just be so frustrating trying to reason with the thing in the basement whenever it’s chowing down on my limbs. Like, what the heck, dude? And, uh, can you please return the fraction of my soul that you took when I made a deal with you five years ago so I could do better on my honors math final, when you had me travel to the seventh circle of hell to find that weird-looking key to release you from your eternal bondage, and I got stuck there for 24 hours because the demons were trying to take my body as their own? I just feel like that wasn’t a fair trade for my soul fragment. 

We’ve all been there.

Oh, and having to do chores when I’m home can be such a drag! Ugh, sorry, maybe I’m wasting your time; I’m just complaining about stuff we all have to go through on break. Anyways, I’ve gotta go bring a living sacrifice to the basement. You know how it is.

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