If you’re reading this, you are one of the lucky few I’ve given the opportunity to invest in the hottest new musical craze. I’ve spent years studying the industry, and, armed with the perfect plan, I am now asking for your financial support.
The members of every boy band exist very clearly within one of nine archetypes: The Heartthrob, The Eccentric One, The Older Brother, The Baby, The Quiet One, The Goofball, The Boy Next Door, The Sensitive One, and The Bad Boy.
This simple breakdown makes it easier for everyone. We look at a poster and immediately know who our favorite will be—there is a clear set of symbols that differentiate, for example, the Boy Next Door and his impotent doppelgänger, the Baby.
These classifications help out music executives and band members, too. It’s easy to dig a leather jacket and a pair of sunglasses out of the prop cupboard. It’s easier yet to tell a band member to never talk in interviews. Instead of brainstorming big boy marketing tactics, execs can leisurely rearrange the phrase “tonight is the night” into seven distinctly catchy tunes. Meanwhile, the members are saved the hassle of introspection as they work to get those vocal chords to sing just right.
With these hard-hitting music industry insights in my back pocket, I shall now show you what I have in my front pocket. It is dimes and some chapstick. I now want to show you what is in my shirt pocket—it is more insights.
There is an untapped field of entertainment professionals that I will be calling upon to make a new boy band more successful than ever before. If all goes to plan, no one will remember the Beatles, One Direction, or even Big Time Rush. This new breed of artists have charisma, sex appeal, and an insatiable thirst to prove themselves in the music industry.
It’s brand mascots. I’m talking about an all-brand-mascot Boy Band fulfilling each of the archetypes to make the maximum cultural kerfuffle.
Using an intensive research process, I’ve determined the Mascots most suited to join my new Boy Band, which a portentous dream decreed I name “Boy Brand.” The lucky guys I’ve chosen for each role are as follows:
The Heartthrob- Tony the Tiger
Tony is a shoo-in for the Heartthrob. He’s got the charisma, the bod, and he is completely covered in flowing orange locks. He would not look out of place beside leading frontmen Harry Styles or Justin Timberlake. When we think of cereal, we think of Tony. And when we think of brands, we think of Tony. And when we think of tigers, we think of Tony. Simply put, we can’t get him off our mind. His signature neckerchief and winning thumbs up make this cool cat the face of Frosted Flakes and of Boy Brand.
The Eccentric One- The Energizer Bunny
He’s got style, he’s got originality. That’s right, folks, I’m talking about the Energizer Bunny. While the rest of the world conforms, this little pink dude marches to his own beat. His style is unlike any other (sunglasses, sandals, drum, nothing else), he has an enigmatic background (we aren’t sure if he runs on batteries or just really likes batteries), and he only speaks to say something really cool (presumably). Like many Eccentric Ones, he’s the musical mastermind of the group, leading his band mates with his heart-pounding drum beats and futuristic techno vibe.
The Older Brother- Mr. Clean
It’s hard to deny, we’ve all had feelings about Mr. Clean. It’s equally hard to understand the nature of these feelings. Is he a mentor, teaching us the way we can maintain spotless floors? Is he a shoulder to cry on when all the countertops are sticky? Or is there something more romantic and primal involved? Despite his explicit sexuality, Mr. Clean’s overtures never seem to be directed at us, and his crisp white outfit and hairless head identify him as a figure we aspire to be like. We trust him to keep our secrets, we appreciate his toned delts and bubble butt, yet we know that nothing will ever happen… or will it?
The Baby- Crackle
Crackle (of former hit trio Snap, Crackle, and Pop) is undeniably the perfect candidate for the “baby” of the Group. His trademark blue shirt and striped cap send a clear, distinctly neonatal message. My time on this earth has taught me that if there’s a blonde member in the band, the blonde member is the Baby, a maxim which certainly rings true here. Crackle has the blonde hair, boyish charm, and the right amount of empty behind his baby blues to make him the grown up man-boy we love to love.
The Quiet One- Julius Pringles
Who’s ever heard of Julius Pringles? Certainly not us. But now that someone says the name, his mustachioed face immediately comes to mind. His tenure on the front of every Pringles can has certainly endowed Julius with endless secrets, but he isn’t spilling. His snazzy little bowtie assures us that those secrets are not of the menacing, sensitive, or goofy variety. He’s in good company, sitting silently in the corner with Jonathan Knight from the New Kids on the Block, Dylan from One Direction, or Mark from GOT7. Never mind that he literally doesn’t have a mouth, Julius Pringles is the perfect “Quiet One” for our Boy Brand.
The Goofball- The Yellow M&M
He makes us laugh with his personality, then he makes us cry with his beautiful ballads—the Yellow M&M gets our attention whether he is trying or not. His sunny exterior combines with his gooey and nutty insides to twiddle our heart strings and tickle our ribs. His bright and cheery attitude, casual magnetism, and hilarious antics make The Yellow M&M is the only option for the Goofball of Boy Brand.
The Boy Next Door- Jolly Green Giant
We feel instinctively that the Jolly Green Giant is someone we can trust. His agricultural background and dangerous hemline assure us that he was raised with small town values but remains comfortable in his masculinity. He’ll wow your mom with his amazing table manners; cook Green Giant® Veggie Spirals® to celebrate your promotion; and let you cry into his green, leafy tunic. The Jolly Green Giant undeniably has the body of a man, but his gumdrop cheeks and dimpled smile assure us that the child inside is alive and kicking.
The Sensitive One- The Geico Gecko
His British accent tells us that he’s smart, but his little beady lizard eyes confirm that the Geico Gecko is an ocean of emotional sensitivity. Though he hides his innermost thoughts with his enigmatic smile, when our eyes meet we know that he can peer into the depths of our soul. He’s had troubles—likely related to the goliath tarantula, tropical or subtropical snakes, or carnivorous birds—but he’s channeled his pain into lyrical poetry for Boy Brand. The Geico Gecko is the emotional rock of our ideal boy band, and we’d want no one else to act as The Sensitive One.
The Bad Boy- The Kool Aid Man
Filling the roll of Bad Boy required finesse and discerning logic—we needed to choose someone who is both relatable enough to be accessible for our pre-teen to teen audience, but dangerous enough to pique their interest. The Kool Aid Man’s signature move of demolishing walls with a war cry of “Oh Yeah” perfectly fits the bill. His soulful gaze lets us know that the only thing he loves more than long summer days and destruction of property is putting a smile on our face. He’s the underdog, subverting our expectations for Boy Band Members by being a pitcher of Kool Aid rather than a man. The Kool Aid Man wins our hearts by being so bad he’s good, making him a perfect pick for the Boy Brand Boy Band Bad Boy.
The combined emotive power and physical draw of the animals, humanoid creatures, and sentient objects is guaranteed to make Boy Brand a hit. Our iconic team will captivate brand fans and enthusiastic teens alike to packed stadiums, creating a 5x return on your investment.
Don’t believe me? I’m sure our Band manager’s persistence will eventually convince you to see things the way I see it. You’ve met my buddy, Duolingo Owl, right? You’ll find he can be very persuasive.