Neighborhood ne’er-do-wells, stop terrorizing my son-in-law! I know that Micah is a timid young man—easily frightened, easily tricked—and I know how little there is to do these days. But my daughter loves him very much, and I just want her to be happy. Your endless torments need to end.

I know you thought it was funny to swaddle him in bubble wrap and ship him across town to Ulysses S. Grant Elementary. Believe me, I get it! Micah deserves some of the blame for constantly asking you if it was legal to mail a person. But that whole incident ended up costing me a lot of money! When the school unwrapped him, he was buck naked, and I had to slip the judge a Benjamin to keep poor Micah from being labeled a sex offender.

Listen, I understand why you filled his sunscreen tube with peanut butter—when he went out in my backyard to tan he was swarmed by the alley mutts that live underneath the Old Randall House and a horde of outdoor cats from the wealthy part of town. What you didn’t know, though, is that my son-in-law’s skin is very delicate. In direct sunlight it singes right off! When the wild animals finished licking him clean, he cooked like a wood-fire pizza. And because my daughter was out of town on a business trip, it fell on me to rub aloe all over his body for three weeks!

Another thing: Stop telling him that I’m his future self! He’s a simple lad, he totally believes you! It’s certainly made him more obedient, as he thinks every direction I give him is informed by my special understanding of his timeline, but it also means he feels comfortable sharing all his sad secrets with me, because he thinks I already know them. I can’t keep hearing about his estranged twin brother. One of you knuckleheads needs to set him straight.

I’m a fair man, though, and I understand that you still have an axe to grind. If you’re looking for an alternative target, I have some recommendations. My uncle Richie keeps all his documents in an unlocked lockbox, and is very trusting, so you could easily steal his identity. My niece Rebecca works down the street at Joann Fabrics, and weighs like ninety pounds, so you could probably get a Balloon Boy thing going.

But please, if you can, give my son-in-law a break. I don’t know what my daughter sees in him, but he makes her smile and that’s all that matters. Your first test will be this weekend. Micah just bought a paintball gun, and it would be easy to tamper with it so it explodes in his face like a musket in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. But I trust you, hooligans. Thank you, and good luck.

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