April 22, 2021
It has come to my attention that, in light of recent developments regarding this planet’s changing climate, some among you are of the opinion that the firm “should be doing more in response,” as stated in an open letter delivered to my office last week. Allow me first to appreciate the care and concern that clearly underlie your thoughtful suggestions to “hire new management” and “give us our money back.” We at Calamitas Capital share your commitment to excellence. Though I know we’ve had our misunderstandings in the past, I remain confident that we are on the same page about impending meteorological alterations.
For one, we remain uniquely attuned to one of your main concerns: species extinction. Needless to say, Calamitas cherishes polar bears as much as the next firm. Accordingly, on your behalf, we have invested a sizable sum in “Jardim Zoológico ‘Festa de Extinção’ (Brazilian Zoo Corporation),” a Brazilian chain of zoos on the cutting edge of species conservation. As I write, procurers are fanning out across the globe, scooping up the last of the Bengal tigers, orangutans, rhinos, red pandas, and, who could forget, the polar bears, to conserve them in centralized, climate-controlled quarters. Thanks to us, “Festa” will be expanding its operation to North America this year, where visitors clutching oversize plastic cups, sucking on straws shaped like giraffe necks, will pay hefty sums to see these peerless specimens. And as supply plummets and demand balloons, we expect that fee to go nowhere but up. When it does, rest assured that you stand poised to reap the full benefit of this once-in-a-million-years opportunity.
Perhaps the most publicized consequence of the forthcoming planetary weather transition has been rising sea levels. With vast swathes of cities like New York, London, San Francisco, Mumbai, and Chattahoochee projected to be underwater by 2050, it would be reasonable to ask what we’re doing about that. Rather than tell you myself, I’ll let rising star Alamo Newhart, SVP of Domicile Strategies, speak for himself (adapted with permission from a recent profile in the company magazine, Omens):
INTERVIEWER: How did you come up with the idea?
NEWHART: Well, after church on Sunday, I came home to catch up on some work. While the pastor’s sermon about Noah’s beautiful ark percolated in the back of my mind, I read a report about rising sea levels and thought, Why couldn’t that work twice?
INTERVIEWER: Maybe bec–
NEWHART: It was a no-brainer, really, for all my history buffs out there. As the saying goes: Get liquid before things get liquid.
Last quarter, sales surged for firm-backed company Luxury Arks Ltd., buoyed by recent studies forecasting that many inland territories will soon become what’s known as a “wet bulb.” And while I know that that sounds like death in a bathtub, in fact it describes a habitat rendered uninhabitable by humidity and heat. An ark solves that problem neatly: a quick dip in the sea is but a dive away. With his performance bonus, Newhart says he has purchased a 79-foot, ten-bedroom, triple-decker yacht—Luxury Arks’ “Cataclysm Comfort” model—which he comfortably shares with his beloved poodle, Sarai.
In your letter, of particular concern was that our fossil fuel portfolio did not “accurately reflect [your] values.” I am sure that we can all agree that a great degree of subtlety must be brought to bear when the topic under discussion is divestment. The data is controversial regarding the efficacy of this strategy. And the fact is that these companies remain profitable—yet I hear your question: For how much longer? Now, I believe that Calamitas has an answer. After edifying discussions with experts boasting decades of industry experience, I have personally overseen adjustments to our fund’s position on various fossil commodities. It was our in-house paleontologists who proved most prescient. They explained to me the process in which pressure applied over eons produces the black gold on which man depends. Directly upon hearing this, I admonished myself, and begged the pardon of my board, for I had not been behaving like an investor worth his salt. For too long I’d been caught up in the gossip, the he-said-she-said, of fossil futures, when the answer had been staring me in the face all along. No doubt it seems as obvious to you now as it felt unattainable to me for years. With the mass extinction of the human race inevitable, as well as that of sundry animal species, we will soon find ourselves with a bonanza of bones—bones which, hastened by the sun and the wind, shall turn into fossils—fossils which, with time, shall get buried deeper and deeper beneath the earth’s crust, deeper until the pressure gets to be too much—they can’t take it anymore, and—poof!—the bones of those who doubted our methods shall turn to oil, less miraculously than water was once turned into wine. At this point, myself and my descendants shall unfreeze within our cryogenic chambers on Venus (Mars is a fad, but that’s for another memo), and return to restore oil dominion on Earth. Exxon will rally—so will BP, Chevron, and Shell. And when they do, you and I shall inherit the Earth.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, as it were, when it comes to our response to the so-called climate crisis, and may I just say that I have never been more optimistic about the future of our partnership. I cherish my shareholders as I cherish my own children. They, too, sleep trustfully at night, knowing their daddy Rex spends his every waking hour making sure they’ll inherit a more bountiful world. It is my hope that this letter suffices to placate your worries. In any case, the forthcoming profits surely will—that, or imminent death.
Rex Wayneburger III
Chairman and CIO
Calamitas Capital LLC