42 Things I Got From Tinder

Illustrated by Anasthasia Shilov

  1. Ghosted. A lot.
  2. Enough motivation to finally get an IUD, which was so painful upon implantation that I vomited on the OB-GYN. But I have since come to appreciate it quite a bit.
  3. Best friend-zoned. 
  4. ^Twice.
  5. Secondhand embarrassment for a 19-year-old named Billy who pulled me up mid-blow job and said, “This isn’t working for me, can I stick it in your ass?” 
  6. A newfound appreciation for having sex with people you like and are comfortable with. 
  7. A robust double-digit body count. 
  8. Gratitude for boob guys (the nudes are so much easier to take). 
  9. A habit for unabashedly DMing hot classmates (yes, Harry, I took it personally when you left me on read). 
  10. A realization that I’ve never met a man who was actually out of my league. 
  11. Cause to temporarily question my bisexuality as I engaged overwhelmingly with cishet men. 
  12. Chronically intimidated by the beauty and power of women. 
  13. A big head about my head skills. 
  14. Disdain for the following bios: 
    1. Last time I was somebody’s type, I was donating blood
    2. Here for a good time, not a long time 
    3. Good vibes only
    4. Just ask, I never know what to write for these things
  15. Aggressively simped for by a dude who then ghosted me for months before sending a faceless video of himself jerking off and subsequently messaged “good morning.”
  16. Introduced to the Hitachi magic wand. 
  17. A 98-day Snapchat streak with a boy I’ve never actually met up with and probably never will. 
  18. Informed that more than one man in the world is sexually invested in my orthodontic braces. 
  19. A car guy.
  20. A weed guy.
  21. An arborism guy.
  22. A train-conductor guy. 
  23. A sheep-farm lesbian. 
  24. A finance-bro who came over to snuggle with me while I was sad and in pain from my tonsillectomy even though I could only eat applesauce and my breath smelled like rotten eggs with a light dusting of spearmint. 
  25. Subjected to American Horror Story season 10, Trailer Park Boys, The Office, I Think You Should Leave, Dave Chappelle’s stand up, and several pillowtalk presentations on the intricacies of the social dynamics on Wall Street. 
  26. Taken on an unexpectedly fantastic date to play pinball for several hours straight. 
  27. A lecture from my therapist about usInG SeX wItH PEoPle i dOn’T caRE aBoUt IN ordEr To aVOId eNGaGiNg wItH THe vUlNEraBiLiTy oF caTChiNg FeeLInGs.
  28. Actually some quality sex. 
  29. Unblocked by my first kiss within ten minutes of being back in my hometown over Thanksgiving break. 
  30. Anxiety about the acne on my chest, the fact that my belly folds over, and that I’m too lazy to shave my leg hair, despite never having had a man run screaming in horror upon seeing me naked. 
  31. An intense affinity for men who are vocal in bed. 
  32. To have a one night stand in the Graduate Hotel (which is lowkey grotesquely Yale-themed and has unnecessarily tall beds). 
  33. An as-of-yet-unfounded phobia of a braces+pubic hair related catastrophe.
  34. Absurdly, gloriously comfortable in my own skin. 
  35. Far too many unsolicited volunteers to be the third in a fantasy threesome with me and literally any willing and able female friend. 
  36. Called a BBW. 
  37. Conflicted feelings about being called a BBW. 
  38. Told I looked like a random pornstar if said pornstar was a fat preteen boy. 
  39. The opportunity to master the virtual smile-and-nod.
  40. Unwillingly accustomed to having sex while my dog sits and whines for attention outside my closed bedroom door. 
  41. Inspiration for an entire writing credit’s worth of poetry assignments. 
  42. Banned from the app. 

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