Orgasm: 4/10
Sure, it can be nice, but sometimes you just don’t want it. For example, when the TSA guy pats you down after you step out of that Wall-E-esque machine that spins around your body, you sure as HELL don’t want one then. Sometimes when I go to my favorite restaurant, Buffalo Wild Wings, and order the ten wings and fries bundle drenched in my beloved Jammin Jalapeno™ sauce; I’ll take a little nibble and just empty my entire tank there, right in front of the guys! I just can’t help it! Next thing I know, I’m trying to clean up in the Buffalo Wild Wings bathroom, and there is not a single paper towel, so I gotta dry off my pee-diddly and my pair of fuzzy dice with one of those hand drying machines. To make matters worse, BWW, a respectable establishment, has one of those fancy Dyson dryers you have to stick your hands into, you know? I gotta make do, so soon enough I got one foot on the sink and one on the neighboring stall door, hanging in the air like Spider-Man. I hold up my shirt with my teeth as I try to dip my kosher hot dog into the vacuum slot. Once I get into position, the sudden rush of air gives me such a tingle of delight that I lose balance and hit my head hard! Next thing I know, I wake up to the entire Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant (staff, chefs, patrons, even my beloved waiters!) in the men’s room, staring at me, bruised-up and sticky, my little frog and double lily pad getting sucked into the Dyson vacuum slot.
Cocomelon: 8/10
This is a great program, full of informational musical vignettes. This is a perfect after-sex activity with your special someone. Cuddle up on the couch, hit play. (Two stars off for subliminal political messaging.)
Kid who grows up to be herpetologist: 1.5/10
Sometimes people have unprotected sex, and then, many weeks later, they drive 100 MPH in their Volvo station wagon to the local hospital while their wife screams hysterically, “Jerry! It’s happening! It’s happening!” Sometimes after the birth of a baby, which is like a grown-up human, but smaller and completely unable to operate any kind of heavy machinery, a loving parent will pay for expensive hockey lessons with puck legend Wayne Gretzky. Often the child will have no interest in the mesmerizing sport of grace and strength and instead prefer playing with slimy creatures in swamps. This child may even make a whole career out of reptiles, which are like dirty little dragons, and write a 600-page dissertation on the reproductive behavior of New Guinea green-blooded skinks.
Finally understanding what those “creak, creak” noises are about: 6/10
This was pretty eye-opening! Before sex, “creak, creak” was associated with jumping on the bed and other virginal activities like playing with matchbox cars and pretending to be a little gopher burrowing under the blankies.
Emotional investment: 2/10
This is another ambiguous one, but it’s definitely more bad than good. One day you’re free as the wind, happy as a clam, and the next, you’re butt-naked, heaving up Jammin Jalapeno™ sauce all over the EMTs as they strap you into a stretcher.
Seeing that big blue whale at the natural history museum in New York: 10/10
As discussed, sex might lead to children. The thing they don’t tell you about children is that they sometimes ask for things. Sometimes, they want you to take them somewhere, like school or McDonalds. Sometimes you take them to places they think are fun, which are usually super boring.
The one exception to this was when I took my kid on a field trip to the Natural History Museum in New York City, which is a famous city in the state of New York. Most of it was remarkably uninteresting until I saw the whale, which the museum people hung up with wire or something, so it looks like it is swimming above you. It’s so big! It’s a very cool and very interesting thing to see.
Semen stain on wool trousers: 4/10
“No, no, no!”
A weird feeling in your tummy when you see the nudes at the Met: 3/10
At first, I didn’t quite get them, but after experiencing the wonders of sexual intimacy, I now get a really weird feeling in my tummy when I see the nudes at the Met. It feels kind of warm in there when I behold the art and I just don’t know what to do about it. Then, I feel guilty for my sexual voyeurism and confront the male gaze both of the artist and myself. Now my tummy is really churning!
No longer granted entrance to the Buffalo Wild Wings, which was a place you used to frequent almost daily: 1/10
Due to ongoing court proceedings, this cannot be discussed in further detail.
Letterboxd: 5/10
It’s nice. You can review movies and see what your friends are watching.
