Dear Lil Wenker is Lil Wenker (SY ’23)’s advice column! Send your most pressing questions and pleas for help to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Little Wenker,
I’m thinking of having sex with someone who’s anti-vax. The person keeps saying “my body, my choice.” But given how many people have died from COVID, I don’t know if I can morally give myself to someone who doesn’t seem to care! Then again, I haven’t had sex in longer than I’d like to say, so I kind of feel like maybe that’s a bigger priority? I am a young woman after all…
Thank you for writing! A quick note, and no worries (I get this all the time), but my name is actually Lil––as in Lil Wayne, the rapper, or Lil Pump, another rapper. Okay, technically those also stand for little. But my name is Lil, short for Lillian.
Clearly this person is a man, since no one else would use a phrase about a woman’s right to become––or not become––residence for a fetus to justify their fear of needles. And are we really still having sex with men???
I don’t know the future, but if I did, I would tell you that this man won’t give you COVID, but he will give you scabies. It’ll clear up. You’ll be back on the prowl. But you will have to wash all your linens, fantasize about a time when you didn’t want to itch your “bits” in section, and beg your mom for advice, even though she’s a staunch Catholic who believes in damnation for those who engage in pre-marital sex. Knowing this, do you still think it’s worth it? Or might you have other options?
Before I got banned from Tinder, I noticed this handy feature that lets you put your vaccination status in your bio! If, hypothetically, you (and by “you” I mean your phone number) also happen to be banned from Tinder, do you have access to a burner phone? Because the world is swimming with jacked-up, vaxxed-up baddies who also believe in voting and have managed to stave off public cancellation. Don’t forget that you CAN have it all!
And if no one within a 3-mile radius floats your boat, there’s always your trusty Satisfyer Pro 2 Air-Pulse, kept safe in the top shelf of your nightstand.
Sex is great. But honestly, so are your hands.