Since I’ve started college, my social interactions can be categorized into two flavors of fireworks: the sparkles of joy that come after an enthusiastic conversation in a boring calculus class and the roaring flames of a bridge I poured too much gasoline on.
Since returning to college, things have been relatively stable. Even after making comments that would have bumped me to the top of the List of Individuals Who Will Be Canceled, not much drama has been stirred up.
So, naturally, I wrote this.
Below is a list of my friends, ranked from most to least annoying, and most likely to win a parody Grammy award for (lack of) singing skills.
1. Hangover Gilmore
See, they think they’re the life of the party and that they make Woads special. In reality, their aggressive screams to Doja Cat echo in your head during that awful Thursday morning hangover. They also sound like a goose being strangled, but so do I, so no judgment. Well, maybe a little judgment.
2. Barbie
Barbie isn’t usually annoying, but they get weirdly serious and uplifting during moments of vulnerability when their natural instinct has been to kick you at any moment. They also return any physical affection you give them, which is odd and sometimes comes off as very unexpected. Only tolerable because their laughter is decent.
3. Robocop
This friend of mine has all the colors of the pride flag on their Google Calendar and can often be seen talking to their Apple Watch in dining halls alone. I sometimes genuinely think they’re haunted by ghosts from home, but I don’t pry. They’re lower on the list because they help me out with p-sets. Listening to their metal songs is like hearing nails scratching a chalkboard, but it rarely happens, so we deal with the ordeal.
4. 35 Minutes
35 Minutes has some universally-frowned-upon obsessions, including their love of the natural sciences. Legend has it that they were once stuck on a math problem for 35 minutes, trying to work through a solution they couldn’t let go, while their friend wanted some much-needed post-breakup advice.
A most attentive listener, as you can see.
5. Wall of Trauma
The Committee of Great Walls had come to a decision when this person reached puberty. Journalists reported seeing representatives from Ba Sing Se and China at the conference. They all agreed: they would hail this person as the new president of the committee once they were a full-grown adult.
The Committee knew they were short on time; they had to approach the Wall of Trauma before they went to therapy. Scientists had researched for decades how trauma was more powerful than steel or concrete, but no one had any answers. The Wall of Trauma is still a mystery for most and can be seen repairing its cracks with humor most days.
That’s the list for you. I would have added more, but I still need to keep some bridges intact for now. If you bump into any of them, ask them what they think of me. That would make for an interesting conversation.
