Dear Little Wenker,
Halloween is right around the corner, and I have no idea what to wear. I’ve been asked to complete a Breakfast Club group costume with my roommates, but the only person left was the freaky frizzy-haired girl. Someone offered to let me be Scooby Doo in her sorority’s Mystery Inc. posse, and another girl said she’d have invited me to be a butterfly if I had been taller. But in the midst of my indecision between dogs and insects and nerds lies the bigger question: how do I keep it sexy? And not in the tacky nurse way. I want to be clever-sexy, sexy in a way that frat boys won’t get, so creative and sexy that people will think, “Her sexiness is somehow the least interesting thing about her.”
What kind of costume screams that kind of sexy?
I met someone in the park last week and introduced myself as Lil Wenker. He responded, “Little Wenker?!”
I sighed. “Yes, my name is Little Wenker.”
His eyes filled with joy, and I smiled. You win, world. You win.
And now the dreaded Halloween costume season begins. Some of my favorites have been Woman in STEM (naked, with leaves covering my tits), a male cheerleader (a tracksuit with a sock stuffed in my crotch), and Rudolph on spring break (reindeer antlers, a bikini, and a drink in each hand).
My advice for this doubles as sex advice, so listen closely. It’s all about the erogenous zones. And visibility. I’m talking crotchless pants, assless pants, pants that cut off well before the knee. Honestly, scrap the pants! Get some fingerless gloves while you’re at it, some toeless socks, or maybe even earless earmuffs! In terms of Halloween costumes and talking during sex, less is more. Sexiness is liberation this Halloween, and that’s something you can be sure frat boys won’t get.
In terms of what to say when people ask you what you’re dressed as, here are some ideas: Australia (there’s a down under joke in there somewhere), a conservative Christian nudist, or an angel who loves going commando.