Yes, Yale Moral Philosophy Does Corrupt the Youth
By Ed Desciak (Virgin), Guest Opinion Columnist from The Crimson
Worse than being subjected to the senseless violence of America’s original sin—football—was the descent of Yale students upon our previously pristine campus. After subjecting myself to two tortuous hours of sitting in the cold stadium, I watched in horror as a sea of blue creatures overtook our turf. The whole time, I wished I was partaking in my typical Saturday afternoon Atlas Shrugged reading session instead, sitting in the halls of Currier House—the Brutalist labyrinth located a convenient 20-minute Uber away from the rest of the campus I call home. However, fulfilling my sacred duty as a journalist demanded my attendance. After waiting for the mob to dissipate, I found cigarette butts, empty Fireball shooters, and bulldog feces among other deplorable items littered around the field. This isn’t even to mention the obvious con Yale pulled in claiming victory (sometimes they would give Yale +6 points while they only gave us +3). Authorities are still totaling the damages from this siege of Harvard Stadium, but even our most conservative estimates assume a loss greater than our entire administrative payroll. Moreover, the emotional damage incurred defies quantification.
Yale students wreaked havoc from the moment they arrived en masse Friday night. Their one-track minds could only think of one thing—partying—and they could be heard incessantly complaining about the state of our social scene throughout the night. I overheard comments including: “Harvard’s biggest night of the year is a shitty Wednesday at Yale!” and “Why did I have to pay $50 dollars for a distant party I couldn’t even get into because of this mid-ass city’s puritanical carding policies?” and even “The Final Clubs are the most egregious example of elitism and old-world fogeyism at a school that touts its progressive policies and singular ability to create world-changing leaders ready to operate on an evolving global stage.” Ah yes, incoherent blubbering Yale students angry at the impoverished state of their institution. Truly, Yale’s entitlement knows no bounds. I applaud the brilliant Final Clubs for excluding fun from the weekend. They have been and continue to be the paragons of virtue for our illustrious campus.
Of course, Yalies could not help but confirm all the negative stereotypes about themselves. I think my favorite movie, American Psycho, a film that follows a Harvard man’s (Patrick Bateman) righteous struggle and ultimate triumph over an inferior Yale man (Paul Allen), got it right all those years ago. Indeed, as Bateman so eloquently puts it, “that Yale thing” still consists of being a “closeted homosexual” who does “a lot of cocaine.” Yalies don’t change. They have always been our lessers and serve no purpose other than making us look better by comparison. Plus, they have a drug problem. So, the question arises: what can we do in response to such disgraceful guests? We at the Crimson successfully protected our virtue by ghosting the YDN social chair, who foolishly thought they could “mix” with us. But the rest were not so lucky. Thus, it is time for a change.
I propose Harvard cut ties with Yale and the rest of the Ivy League. We are simply too exceptional to accept such a school as our peer, much less as our rival. Rivals must exhibit parity, but that is impossible when one school is Harvard and the other school is not. The only solution is to create a second, identical Harvard next to the current one. It could be called “Radcliffe College,” and we could send all of our women there, allowing us to return to the halcyon days of single-sex education. Now naturally, this new college will eventually become inferior to Harvard despite our best efforts, as it would not be named Harvard. Then how would we prevent contamination? It is quite simple: we shall construct a massive wall around our campus. Take a page from our Final Clubs’ book, and exclude! Then—and only then—will we be safe. We can move forward with our lives, developing into fine Harvard men, ready to steer the world toward a better future—a future without Yale.