Dear Little Wenker

Design by Cleo Maloney

Dear Lil Wenker is Lil Wenker (SY ’23)’s advice column! Send your most pressing questions and pleas for help to

Things I Learned from Tommy:

  1. If you ever find yourself looking for a roommate on Craigslist, shut your computer and go to sleep.
  2. If you survive a rapid-onset paralysis lasting three months, you can brand alcoholism as a celebration of life without question.
  3. If you don’t shut your computer and do end up finding a Craigslist roommate, never let him throw a party with libations other than tea and cookies.
  4. If you fall in love with every female hiker who rents a room in your B and B, you might not be ready for a Hinge girlfriend who makes peach pie just for you.
    1. Note: Don’t feed the hikers your Hinge girlfriend’s peach pie out of respect. 
  5. If the Craigslist roommate ends up throwing a party with libations other than tea and cookies, and asks you to hide a bloody t-shirt that same night, call the police instead of throwing the bloody t-shirt in the attic. 
  6. If you are in Italy after your rapid-onset paralysis lasting three months, never buy a car in cash under another man’s name without checking his medical and financial history first.
  7. If you throw the bloody t-shirt in the attic, leave the house before someone calls the police on you.
  8. If you want to have sex with an Italian girl in your Italian apartment, the man whose name you used to buy a car and whose medical and financial history remain unknown should not be your roommate. 
  9. If you don’t get out of the house before the police arrive, make sure to pack a go-bag with your essential items in the event you never return.
  10. If you can’t remember how many glasses of wine you’ve had and/or mistakenly drink everyone else’s glasses two nights in a row, the “celebration of life” brand will start attracting some questions. 
  11. If you forget to pack a go-bag with essential items, make sure you choose a rich girl from Hinge who can replace all of the belongings you may lose in a mysterious house fire. 
  12. If your Italian roommate and car-smuggling counterpart has a heart attack, your illegally purchased car is the best way to get him to the hospital and the best way to pay off his medical bills.
    • Note 1: This chaos might cost you the love of a beautiful Italian girl you’ve grown quite fond of. 
    • Note 2: You will think of her every time you scroll through Hinge, and you will miss her all the more. 
  13. If you run into the roommate from Craigslist, buy him coffee as a secret thank you for  burning the bloody t-shirt with your fingerprints in a mysterious house fire. 
  14. If you compare forgetting butter to forgetting condoms at the store, you might become a father with shaky boundaries and fantastic stories. Thank God the baby’s mom makes a great peach pie!

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