Dear Lil Wenker is Lil Wenker (SY ’23)’s advice column! Send your most pressing questions and pleas for help to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Things I Learned from Tommy:
- If you ever find yourself looking for a roommate on Craigslist, shut your computer and go to sleep.
- If you survive a rapid-onset paralysis lasting three months, you can brand alcoholism as a celebration of life without question.
- If you don’t shut your computer and do end up finding a Craigslist roommate, never let him throw a party with libations other than tea and cookies.
- If you fall in love with every female hiker who rents a room in your B and B, you might not be ready for a Hinge girlfriend who makes peach pie just for you.
- Note: Don’t feed the hikers your Hinge girlfriend’s peach pie out of respect.
- If the Craigslist roommate ends up throwing a party with libations other than tea and cookies, and asks you to hide a bloody t-shirt that same night, call the police instead of throwing the bloody t-shirt in the attic.
- If you are in Italy after your rapid-onset paralysis lasting three months, never buy a car in cash under another man’s name without checking his medical and financial history first.
- If you throw the bloody t-shirt in the attic, leave the house before someone calls the police on you.
- If you want to have sex with an Italian girl in your Italian apartment, the man whose name you used to buy a car and whose medical and financial history remain unknown should not be your roommate.
- If you don’t get out of the house before the police arrive, make sure to pack a go-bag with your essential items in the event you never return.
- If you can’t remember how many glasses of wine you’ve had and/or mistakenly drink everyone else’s glasses two nights in a row, the “celebration of life” brand will start attracting some questions.
- If you forget to pack a go-bag with essential items, make sure you choose a rich girl from Hinge who can replace all of the belongings you may lose in a mysterious house fire.
- If your Italian roommate and car-smuggling counterpart has a heart attack, your illegally purchased car is the best way to get him to the hospital and the best way to pay off his medical bills.
- Note 1: This chaos might cost you the love of a beautiful Italian girl you’ve grown quite fond of.
- Note 2: You will think of her every time you scroll through Hinge, and you will miss her all the more.
- If you run into the roommate from Craigslist, buy him coffee as a secret thank you for burning the bloody t-shirt with your fingerprints in a mysterious house fire.
- If you compare forgetting butter to forgetting condoms at the store, you might become a father with shaky boundaries and fantastic stories. Thank God the baby’s mom makes a great peach pie!