We’ve all heard the horror stories. Insufferable, despicable college roommates—people whose habits are near-impossible to live with. Somehow, they manage to transform an innocent white-walled space into the blistering bowels of hell.
To save all future roommates of the world a year of suffering (and decades of therapy), here’s a list of 11 tips that are guaranteed to produce an incomparable shared-living experience. Follow them, and your roommate just might become your best friend!
1. Life is full of disappointments, like getting assigned a horrible roommate. (Of course, your roommate wouldn’t know about that). It’s important for your roommate to get used to disappointment. Help them learn by finishing the milk and placing the empty carton back into the fridge.
2. You MUST make as much noise as humanly possible when you come home late, especially if it’s after 3 a.m. The objective is to wake your roommate up. Your roommate wants to know that you got home safe. Be considerate. Slam the door!
3. Don’t ask before bringing a sexual partner back to the room. Everyone LOVES meeting new people (not to mention surprises). Plus, your roommate will love the thrill of hunting for a new place to sleep.
4. When you wake up early and your roommate is still sleeping, always open ALL of the blinds ALL the way. Your roommate is probably lacking in vitamin D, so you’re really doing them a service. It is essential for good roommates to look out for each other’s health!
5. Speaking of health, proper nutrition is crucial to a good lifestyle. You don’t want your roommate to be unsure of whether you’re eating enough. Ease their worries by leaving your to-go boxes, dirty dishes, used napkins, and food wrappers on the common room table!
6. If you really want to bond with your roommate, then you must transgress unnecessary boundaries. One way to do this: Don’t ask before borrowing your roommate’s clothes. And NEVER wash them after you do. They probably wash their clothes in a special way. And when they smell their dirty shirt, it’ll remind them of you!
7. You need to know that your roommate would respond urgently if you were in danger. To ensure this, implement sporadic “roommate is in mortal peril” drills. How to do this? Wake your roommate up between the hours of 1 and 4 a.m. by wailing at the top of your lungs.
8. Want to show your roommate how much you love them? This tip is for you. Collect your roommate’s hair for a month. Harvest it from their brush, the shower, etc. Make a wig out of it. Dress up as your roommate for Halloween. Wear the wig.
9. You and your roommate are now pretty close. It’s time for them to meet the parents. Invite your parents to stay with you and your roommate for a month. Offer up your roommate’s bed to them—you and your roommate can share!
10. You have followed these tips, and your roommate has become your best friend! All that remains is welcoming them into your faith. Stage a ritual human sacrifice in your common room. Invite your roommate. Stake them to the table and inform them that they are the sacrifice. Rip their heart out and eat it.
11. Rejoice! Your souls are now merged. You will be roommates forever.
