Dear Little Wenker

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Dear Little Wenker is Lil Wenker’s advice column! Send your most pressing questions and pleas for help to

Dear Lidl Wenker, 

I’m in love with the lunch lady, simple as that. She’s my perfect woman: she cooks, she cleans, she even knows my name! Well, she doesn’t know my name so much as she calls me “kid” in a way unlike anyone else in the cafeteria. Her macaroni scooping technique is perfect… the way she flicks the noodles so that the yellow, gelatinous mass hits the tray with the right amount of force and tenderness is enough to bring me to my prepubescent knees. I’ve been told wrist strength is important for sexual intercourse. The way her hair pokes out from under her hair net and plasters across her sweaty, agéd forehead assures me she’s wild and untamed. I have also been told being wild and untamed are important for sexual intercourse. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of her at recess sucking down a cigarette as her screen lights up with another Candy Crush victory. My mother told me “sucking” is not a word a boy my age should say, so let’s move on please. 

The problem is I haven’t kissed anyone, and I’m also nine. How do I make her notice me? 

Harold Thompson
389 Elm Street, New Haven CT 06511

P.S. I got your address from my mom’s secret magazine collection. I do not understand what “emotional labor” means. Please explain. 

Dear Harold,

Thank you so much for writing, and please tell your mom to keep her magazines a bit more out of reach. There are things in life that are much better when you discover them for yourself instead of through a middle-aged women’s self-help magazine. 

A lot of people say that the most important thing when you like someone is to be yourself. But you are young, malleable, and deserve to hear the truth. Women like men who aren’t pussies. A pussy is a person who is boring or makes their insecurity your problem. So for example, let’s say your friend Lucy has a big crush on a boy named Todd. Todd knows this and wants to ask Lucy to drinks—Coke, 7 Up, whatever you want. Should Todd follow Lucy on Instagram, work his way up to being the top viewer on all of her stories, dance close with her at the school dance, and then never ever make a move? No, Harold, he should not. Should he walk her home, or let’s say, to her mom’s car every day—then one day when Lucy has the courage to say, “Hey, you want to … ride home with me?” should Todd say, “Oh no, not at all, I don’t know where you got that impression!” NO, Harold, he should not do that. 

How about this? This is a tricky one. Let’s say there is an orgy. An orgy, you might as well know, is when a big group of people get into a room, take their pants off, and touch each other all over. Let’s say at this orgy, your friend John looks into your friend Susan’s eyes and says, “I think you’re the most beautiful girl here,” then kisses her and says, “We should do this again soon.” Should John never speak to her again and later reveal that three days after the orgy he started dating someone else—someone he has now introduced to his parents? Harold, you better be fucked in the head to answer that John is in the right. 

Anyways. Stay in school, don’t do drugs, and don’t lead a kiss with your tongue. 


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