Did you know that more people break up with their partners in March than any other month of the year? If you’re in this predicament, first, sorry, and second, hopefully you can embrace your major and take up its classic way of handling breakups. Or if you’re that much of a mess, figure out your major based on how you’re handling your breakup. Alternatively, if you have any lingering attachments, use your ex’s major.
The American Studies major adopts the Declaration of Independence. After all, the document is only a few words away from an analytical and lengthy breakup text. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all [people in relationships] are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,…That to secure these rights, [Boundaries] are instituted among [people in each relationship], deriving their just powers from the consent of the [people in relationships], —That whenever any [relationship] becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People [in the Relationship] to alter or to abolish it, and to institute [a] new [Relationship].”
Some investments are meant to be shorted. In the end, the Econ major realized that they just had to cut their losses. This minor setback may have closed a door, but it opened a window, shaping them into a better thinker, collaborator, and leader of tomorrow. Continuing now would just be a classic sunk cost fallacy. They estimate that the breakup’s benefits will outweigh the costs in 3-5 business days.
Sometimes, the hot person who starts witty banter in section turns out to have the absolute worst political takes. The newly single Polisci major can be found freaking out about both the short term future (the rest of the semester in a section with their ex, who is definitely an econ-leaning EP&E major) and the long-term future (obsessively checking the Canvas roster while bluebooking for future semesters).
Look, there’s a lot of great French love poetry and great French breakup poetry out there, but nothing hits the same as that one recording of Barbara from FREN 140. The French major can be found embracing the slightly unhinged culture of France, emailing their French professor in broken French about how their girlfriend said she didn’t liked them no longer. (Who can do tenses in that language anyway? Not the French major.)
The Physics major flips through their 500-word textbook for laws of attraction. Even if romantic attraction didn’t work out, they know that gravity, electrostatics, and magnetism still have their back.
They were in a relationship to begin with?
Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies
After a dramatic breakup, the WGSS major bounces back fairly quickly. Within a few hours, they can be found hooking up with another twink who looks exactly like them.
Ethnicity, Race, and Migration
The ER&M major engages in praxis against hegemonic power by vowing to never date a white person again. They can be found dating another white person in two weeks, “But guys, I swear this one’s different.”