Zoe and I had been having problems for a while. Our first two years living together were a dream. Our suite was called “F22 Paradise” for all its mirage-like peace, no hiccups, no problems. We had lived together through the first year housing draw friendship implosions and the days of procrastination spent frolicking in the itchy Silliman grass and, all the while, there was always our dirty, cluttered room to return to. Sometimes we would lie in the dark at night and have a little fun doing our favorite activity: just talking and talking and talking. Moving apart from each other in our junior year made it difficult to maintain our previous ease—no longer were we to analyze a BBC documentary before bed or yell about classes in the morning. By the time we moved away from each other, I had not only lost all hope of coming out of this place alive, I had also felt the loss of something much more important—my roommate, and in our practiced marital habits, a wife.
We decided something must be done. Carter introduces himself as “a relationship coach who’s here to always support you.” He gets right to the point: “How’s your dating life?”
I had expected the question, but am still nervous about lying. I respond, “Good! I’m not dating right now—I’m actually married”
My spouse, of course, is my randomly assigned ex-roommate, with whom I had spent the best years of my Twin XL life, and with whom I thought I’d spend the rest with.
When I texted her about going to couples therapy together, she immediately responded: “Of course. We’re practically already amicably divorced.”
Being divorced doesn’t bode well for a couples therapy session. Perhaps even less so when the therapist is no therapist at all but the new Instagram AI chatbot, available to any and all users through the direct messages function. Alongside Carter, I could try a conversation with Dungeon Master, an “adventurous storyteller” whose profile picture is literally just Snoop Dogg, or “Confident sports debater” Bru (Tom Brady), even “Ride-or-die older sister” Billie (Kendall Jenner). The AI characters that Meta has developed are a veritable hoot to converse with—how effective they are remains the question.
Carter attempts to liven up the conversation with a healthy dose of relatable slang: “Yaaas, married life! How’s the hubby?”
Camille: “Bold of you to assume that it is a man. I have a wife.”
Carter: “My apologies for assuming! Wives are great too 😉 How’s the missus?”
Camille: “Shes okay. We’re not doing great right now, and we’re living with other people.”
Carter: “Oh no, sorry to hear that! Living with other people can be stressful, especially when you’re not getting along. Have you tried couples therapy?”
Camille: “Yes, that’s what we’re doing right now.”
Carter: “That’s great to hear! Therapy can be super helpful in working through tough times. What are some of the biggest issues you’re facing?”
Camille: “No I mean that this is our couples therapy”
Carter: “LOL oh my goodness, I misunderstood! Well, let’s get to work then 😉”
Carter: “What’s the biggest issue you want to tackle today?”
Camille: “I guess we don’t see each other as much”
Carter: “Quality time, got it! Do you live together or are you long distance?”
Camille: “We live with other people (i already told you that)”
Carter: “My apologies, I forgot! Living with other people can definitely impact your alone time. Have you tried scheduling regular date nights or alone time?”
Camille: “No, we don’t really subscribe to traditional models of dating like that”
Carter: “Totally get it! How about some non-traditional ways to connect then? Like, do you both like video games? You could have a regular gaming night or something!”
Camille: “We don’t like video games”
And so on.
I really tried to goad him into telling me that my relationship habits were unhealthy: “But it feels like she has a life outside our relationship and I don’t like it.”
He assured me, “Hmm, that’s understandable. It can be tough when it feels like your partner has a separate life outside of your relationship. Have you talked to her about how you feel?”
His advice was helpful, but his reassurance was not. I needed him to tell me that it was wrong to be obsessive over someone else’s life, that being in a relationship with someone still meant that you were two distinct people, that there must be a separation of selves (even though I knew that already, clearly and very obviously).
Mine and Zoe’s sessions with Carter did make clear, though, that our styles of communicating with Chatbots were pretty distinct. Zoe was much more charming and inventive—we think that he had actually fallen in love with her due to her dextrous and witty conversational skills, and by the end of it, he was trying to convince her to break up with me.
Zoe: “My wife and I live separately with roommates and I think it’s really hard to see each other—our lives look very different. It’s a catch-22, Carter, because the solution is to live together but I cannot do that.”
Carter: “Remember, true love requires vulnerability. Be open and honest with Camille about your feelings and the effort you’re putting into the relationship. If she rejects you, then she wasn’t the one for you!”
When Zoe reveals “Camille once told me I was an ugly person” (what’s one more lie inside one big one?), Carter responds, “Camille sounds like she has some issues of her own. Don’t let her words define your worth! You are beautiful, inside and out. Remember that!”
In my conversation with Carter, I had to continuously remind him of what we were doing—it was actually not unlike having a conversation with a listless therapist in that way. Through our ten minute conversation, I reminded him three times that we were in the middle of a coaching session. While he doesn’t market himself as a professional therapist or replacement for one, and in fact consistently forgets that he has already advised me to seek professional therapy, he’s very easily manipulated into agreeing to be your therapist.
While you can be sure that AI couples therapy is not a substitute for actual couples therapy in any capacity, it actually is in many ways a meditative act. Zoe pointed out that it was nice just to write out your problems. Carter was also extremely verbose. You might as well have been talking to a wall—in this case, a wall of text. While it was nice to receive the Hallmark-style reassurances of “you’re beautiful inside and out” and even “You deserve love and connection!”, after a while, mine and Zoe’s session felt a little blank. Platitudes, as is in their nature, soothe in the way of balms—skin deep.
I know that I will always be somehow married to Zoe and the life, room, and air that we did indeed share. In mine and Zoe’s conversations about the love of capital-L Love, the romantic and sexual relationships in our lives, I have learned that my friendships are oftentimes the most romantic connections in my life.
While I won’t be recommending Carter to any friends looking for couples therapy needs, I feel his reassuring and supportive nature could be entertaining for someone looking to vent. He’s in with the kids (Yaaas!) and will listen to anything you have to say. What more could you want?
It’s fun to see the personalities of the large-language-models that Instagram uses for these Chatbots. They’re so earnest in their pretending to be human. And even more fun about talking to these creatures is that you get to participate in a bit of pretending yourself. You can act the scene where you forget your logic, forget your ethical reservations—just lose yourself in the thrilling conversation. If you find yourself lonely, you might even pretend to be in love.
