I ordered and finished my coffee before they arrived. Does that say more about me (rapid consumer, impatient, twitchy), or them (inconsiderate, laid back, uninterested)?
They don’t take their coat off before sitting down. Are they not warm in this crowded cafe? Don’t they want to settle into these cushioned seats, free from the plastic rustle of a Patagonia winter jacket designed for the brutal cold of these flat and dry northern lands?
We both said our days were “pretty good.” Technically they were just answering my question, yet it felt like my “pretty good” was already hanging in the air. But why did I feel the urge to speak out this platitude, to keep going, tacking on my frustration with the public transport system I had just faced and my excitement for the live music promised in my evening? They hadn’t asked about either, I didn’t want them to know either. I should have left it at “pretty good.”
They told me they loved the band Darlingside. I squealed and reached my hand toward theirs, hovered it an inch above, grabbing at their energy instead of their body. Why do I do this, sprawl and reach when excited to literally squeeze my joy into whoever sparked it? And why do I want to do it over a band I only know two songs of and towards a person who seems unmoved by my excitement? They blink blankly and ask how I know the band and I know why I hovered; touch would be ineffective.
A barista walked past our table and accidentally knocked my tote bag over, books and pouches and tiny trinkets and collected papers of the week spilling out onto the diamond-patterned floor. She apologized immediately, cheeks flushing and bangs wisping in front of her eyes as she quickly bent down. I smiled comfortably, reached down with her, proclaimed even more profusely that she’s so so good, no worries at all! It was my bad for leaving it in the path between tables, I’m so sorry to disrupt you like this.
When I left the cafe, I called my sister. I told her about the disconnect felt throughout my system. I cried when we hung up, missing the ability to talk without context and still feel understood.
