A splash of sandy liquid thrashes against your tongue’s ridges; the fizz dissipates in a fiery hiss. A gulp flushes the substance down, an ethanol waterfall splashing down into the acidic abyss.
Zoom out. You’re sitting on the back of a golf cart, a tender breeze tugging at the wisps of hair kissing your scalp. The sun beats down on your scaly skin, but you aren’t concerned: you remembered to lather yourself with your favorite SPF 70 sunscreen. The vehicle chugs over freshly cut grass and weaves through towering oaks towards hole 18—the only thing standing between and your late afternoon siesta. Well, that and a swervy drive across Montclair, NJ. Good thing your BMW X5 has lane assist. You take another swig. You feel alright.
Zoom out. You are one of thousands of people who, at this very moment, have just taken a sip of Michelob Ultra. And just like those thousands of people, you feel alright. Not euphoric, not bitter, not proud— just alright.
Michelob Ultra is the alcoholic equivalent of a Target ad: the least unpalatable, most unremarkable beer you’ve ever tasted. It is the Wonderbread of brewed beverages, the Kraft Mac & Cheese of canned drinks. It is the Kidz Bop version of a Fred again.. remix of a Drake song. It is (and we mean this honestly) so unmemorable that we are struggling to find another thing to compare it to. And that’s precisely why you like it.
Rating: 5.0/10
