Your Weekly Horoscope

We’re starting with this month, because that’s what Cosmopolitan does. So first:

SCORPIO

You’re like a scorpion. Kids are really scared of you. In fact, you give them nightmares. Don’t worry though — this month, we think you are really cool (but mostly because we are not children). To be honest, though, this month isn’t looking too good for you sexually. It’s probably due to the fact that, when people get up close and personal with you, you keep reminding them of their childhood fears. But what can you do?

SAGITARIUS

Jupiter is on the horizon. You should look to yours. Because, my dear, love is in your future. I know no one can spell your sign. Gee, I can’t even pronounce it. But luckily love knows no boundaries, not even language.

CAPRICORN

Peppercorns are in season; take your spice to the bedroom and sprinkle that shit. Add some paprika for a well-rounded smoky flavor. Mercury is still in retrograde BTW, which means it’s wearing all those cool retro ’80s clothes. This might make you uncomfortable because, as a Capricorn, you’re still wearing a really spicy leopard print jumpsuit with spiked heels, which might not be as cool, but don’t worry! You still look HOT!

AQUARIUS

Aquarius sounds like aqua. Aqua reminds us of Aquamarine. Therefore, this month, just like in that classic movie, love will come to you at the sea. So get those cruise tickets or mooch your way into someone’s beach house. Also, Mercury is totally crashing down and you better get out of the way. Luckily, if you are under water, there is absolutely no way a small planet will hurt you. And then, you can still be in love! Everyone wins!!

PISCES

More fish, more sea. You should probably pair up with Aquarius and try to get those cruise ship tickets. Perhaps you and Aquarius could even get a deal together. Maybe even a couple’s deal. You catchin’ what I’m throwin’? Yep, you should date Aquarius. Problem solved: Pisces, but no longer lonely.

ARIES

So you’re a fire sign. But I could have sworn that you had something to do with air. Shows how much I know! Anyway, spread your wings because you’re about to get lucky. Jupiter is on the horizon, meaning you are going to meet some crazy alien soon and have crazy alien sex. What could be better, or more Aries?!

TAURUS

Sounds a bit like the last part of Sagittarius. Probably means that y’all are meant to be. See, match made in heaven!

GEMINI

You’re a gem-and-I love you! One good month, coming up!

CANCER

You’re still crying in your bed. But it’s okay. Love is out there. We’re huge fans of Cancers at the Herald. Cancers are like empty bottles of hot sauce. Because they’re sticky and you wish you could get in there for the good stuff. But you can’t because that bottle has been sitting in your fridge for seven months while your mom was making chicken Parmesan.

LEO

People may confuse you for the frat BUT DON’T WORRY! You’re way more sexy! I personally have never been to LEO so I can’t get into details, but let me just say, you do not look like a house full of drunk men. You look like LEOnardo DiCaprio Saving The World From Global Warming or Jesus at LEOnardo Da Vinci’s Last Supper. MEOW!

VIRGO

You’re dizzy. You shouldn’t have sex this month. It would be unhealthy.

LIBRA

Libra — more like zebra! Get that funky, zebra-print dress out and start exploring. This month, don’t be tied down. Dump your partner. Divorce your spouse. It’s time to be free. Beware though, Mercury is in your seventh house, so you should probably spend more time in your Manhattan apartment and less time in your West Coast Villa. This may limit the amount of potential partners, but don’t worry, I hear your Manhattan apartment is still pretty swanky.

— Your Horoscope Guru, Paige Davis, MC ’21, YH Staff

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