Credit: You’ve been a TikTok fan since the music.ly days. Since before its purpose was to help China to steal your data. You sang all the songs, danced all the dances, and memorized all the viral quotable moments. Renegade? More like Rene-made that dance your bitch. Your brain now only processes thoughts in 15-second scrolling snippets that leave just as fast as they come. But who cares? You’ve made it on the “For You” page six times. People make fan art for you. Last week, you even tried starting your own trend by deepthroating a banana, sword-swallower style, while playing “Deepthroat” by Cupcakke. It failed, but you will not. It’s your destiny.
D: For months you made fun of all your friends for succumbing to this app you call “Vine but worse.” Then one day, totally ironically, you downloaded it. And now you’re hooked, but you can’t let your fellow non-Tokkers know. Every night, hiding under your covers, you catch up on all the glorious content you missed that day, throwing apology likes as a single tear drips down your face. Oh, how you want to get up and dance. You stare at bananas and think about how friggin awesome it would be to unceremoniously swallow it whole. You haven’t slept in weeks.
Fail: You still think TikTok is just “that Ke$ha song.” Your phone is in black and white, and sometimes, you don’t even care if you forget it when you leave the house. All your thoughts are rational, and you can retain information for more than two minutes. You don’t even think twice about deepthroating that banana. You just fucking do it. You disgust me.