An Open Application to Date the Next Bachelor!

Graphic by Robert Samec

Name: Ashley B. 

Job Title: Girlboss

Age: 21

Hometown: Chicago Area (Springfield, IL)

Why would you like to be on the show?

Hey, Chris Harrison! I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting on my gap semester, and I’ve realized it’s time to settle down. I’m already 21 and I don’t think I’ve ever been in love and honestly that’s so sad. I’m done with games and I’m ready for an exclusive relationship. I can’t think of a better way to find this than in a house with thirty of my boyfriend’s girlfriends. 

Let me tell you a bit about myself. In the past, I feel like men have just thought of me as this incredible body. I’m so much more than my behemoth breasts! I am a self-made She-E-O with a pretty successful Etsy business called Ashley B Beads. You might have heard of it. I think I want to make my own rings if I win, so you can tell Neil Lane he gets this season off. I’m smart, too. I got a 5 on the AP Microeconomics exam in high school (partly because of that College Board loophole because this kid passed away two desks over from me which was honestly so sad). Also, I’m pretty funny. I’m fluent in three languages: English, French, and sarcasm! I was being sarcastic about the French part. I think it would be really funny if I said that when I come out of the limo. 

But what’s a successful life without anybody to share it with? Sometimes I ask myself if I’m unlovable. I have trauma. I’m pretty private about it (I’m such a Virgo), but I’m working on radical vulnerability. Still, I might need a group date to warm up before being comfortable telling Mr. Right that my parents are divorced. God, I can’t believe I just shared that with you, Chris. My parents are still friends and I see them together for holidays in the Hamptons house, but I hope the Bachelor isn’t terrified that I come from a broken home. It’s so embarrassing. Obviously I worry that I’m doomed for divorce too because I didn’t have a good example of love growing up, you know? Ok, I’ve never said that out loud. That’s the sound of the ground breaking, Chris. I wonder if any of the other girls applying have had this experience. Probably not. It’s honestly so sad.

Sorry not sorry, but I am a fierce and independent feminist. I love Amy Schumer and Sarah Palin and Emma Watson. They slay the day away, and they do it in heels! I’m obsessed with defying gender norms, which is why I’m usually friends with guys. I think I would keep it real in the Bachelor mansion because I wouldn’t tolerate the catty girl drama. I’m what some people call a “bruh girl.”

I’m also crazy about Christ, but only if the Bachelor is, but he probably is. I have seen the show. I could totally take him to this cute little church on our hometown date in Chicago. I really hope I make it to Hometown Week because I’ve also always wanted to have sex in one of my childhood bedrooms (my parents split custody). Also, Chris, interestingly enough I’ve never had an orgasm and I think that would be big buzz for the show. We both need this. 

I’m ready for this chapter in my life and I promise I will be there for the right reasons. I want a man that will not only show up, but pick me. This single girlboss is ready to relinquish that title and become a momtrepreneur. I can’t wait until they announce who the Season 26 Bachelor is. Whoever he is, I know he’s the one.

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