Millennials aren’t just any snowflakes—we are vicious snowflakes in Elsa’s tumultuous ice storm, terrorizing the economy and traditional industries until they are driven to their cold and inevitable deaths. We are far from a simple flurry—together, we are a giant, treacherous blizzard, outnumbering the Boomers by the millions. And we refuse to let them go. So, let’s reflect on this destruction. Here are some of the casualties of our homicidal tendencies.
1. Normal People Food
Breakfast cereal, casual dining chains, and the light yogurt industry (especially fruit on the bottom) are all going down the drain thanks to us. Let’s be real: we don’t do the dishes in the morning, we prefer ordering in, and we want yogurt with more protein and less sugar (and less segregation between the fruit and the yogurt). Or maybe, as a fellow millennial pointed out to me, our eating preferences are so different from those of earlier generations because “we’re eating cereal on our phones.”
2. The Ideal American Family™
Millennials wreak havoc on the ideal of the American family in every way possible—we aren’t buying homes, we live with our parents longer, and we’re getting married and having kids later in the game. Say goodbye to the diamond industry as us annoying youngins refuse to buy rings and pop the question to our partners under the economic uncertainty of our student debt and unpaid internships! And while you’re at it, bid farewell to places like Lowes and Home Depot—we’re apartment nomads.
Young people are also assaulting the business of serving the “delightfully tacky, yet unrefined” pleasures in life, a.k.a hypermasculine, a.k.a visits to Hooters. The reluctance or indifference toward frequenting Hooters and other “breastaurants” signals an alarming pattern of non-objectification of women among millennial men. This could only mean one thing: these young males have completely lost sight of their masculinity. How else could you explain the simultaneous decline in the beer, motorcycle, and football industries? Next time, to celebrate the 50th anniversary of women at Yale, let’s crack open a cold one and watch The Game while our wives are busy in the kitchen… in honor of our forefathers who came before us.