What’s up, ladieeeeeeees? The name’s Jeremy and I’d love to kiss you. No worries if you don’t want to, though. We could also just turn on some Netflix and hug. I love hugging almost as much.
Anyway, ladies, I really think you should date me. I don’t want to brag, but I am the so-called “perfect package.” I have a great personality, muscles on my arms and my legs, and a voracious appetite for summer squash. What more could you want in a man?
In addition, ladies, I am very, very manly. I am so manly that sometimes I take off my shirt in the bathroom, bang my fists on my bare chest, and roar. I am so manly that I take my protein powder up the nose. I am so manly that this one time, I sipped three whole beers in less than an hour. I may not have finished the last one, but I got pretty darn close. That’s all in 60 minutes! You could call me a savage, ladies. Or you could just call me Jeremy—totally up to you!
Also, ladies, good news: I’m a feminist! That’s right; the rumors are true. I have so much respect for women, in fact my biggest pet peeve is when women put other women down. Come on, ladies, whatever happened to sisterhood? I just think it’s so darn sexy when a woman is passionate about something. You heard that right, ladies… I fetishize female ambition!
In conclusion, ladies, you should be my girlfriend because I am muscular, sexy, fun, delicious, respectful, sexy, and really good at drinking beer(s). I also have a lot of really great and cool interests like going on dates, getting my muscles bigger in the gym, and ladies. Please feel free to reach out anytime!
I love you all so fucking much it hurts,
Jeremy
