5. Rich? Get a boob job.
Trust me on this one—no matter your gender, two too-tiny titties are the reason you’ve done poorly this year, romantically speaking. For only $4,000, you’ll become instantly wanted. Maybe fix your nose while you’re at it.
Budget? Get a regular job.
If you need this explained, see above.
4. Rich? Go to a brothel in Amsterdam.
This is it! It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for! Losing your maagdelijkheid!
Budget? Read Dutch mommy porn for free.
It won’t come out of your laundry budget to hear what Gretchen wants to do to the stroopwafel salesboy.
3. Rich? Jury duty.
Couldn’t find a good true crime show on one of your ten paid streaming services? Go see the real thing live! The sobbing witness, the nervous attorneys, the family feuds: jury duty is riveting.
Budget? Jury duty.
Lunch is free and so is the air conditioning.
2. Rich? Break up with your high-school sweetheart.
Wow. It is late. The fourth break since the start of college. You missed out on the Fall Break Break-up, the Turkey Dump, and the Santa Split (you gave her a 24-karat gold bracelet during the Santa Split). It’s time to move on. Have a Spring Fling!
Budget? Break up with your high-school sweetheart over the phone.
Because flying home is expensive and New Haven is most beautiful in mid-March. You can’t afford another birthday gift. It’s the Spring Break They-Cheated-On-Me-That-Rat-Bastard-See-If-Care Separation.
1. Rich? “Volunteer” for “Earthquake Relief” in Puerto Rico.
So you’re going to go volunteer? How selfless! For “earthquake relief”? Such generosity! Is it through the Peace Corps? Who cares! Take one picture with a shovel and everyone will forget that you venmoed Jason $400 for “Good Time$.” San Juan is on the other side of the island, and you’ll be ass high in the sand for seven days straight, but as far as Instagram goes? Nobody needs to know.
Budget? Your local beach.
The water of the Long Island Sound is forty degrees in spring. Free parking all winter long!