Credit: You are T-Pain. After a long and illustrious musical career, resplendent with hits like “I’m N Luv (Wit a Stripper)” and “Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin’),” you’ve finally settled down and decided to compete in Fox’s sellout new show, The Masked Singer. You choose a modest yet subtly creative costume: Monster. When it’s time to sing, you ditch the autotune and release the soulful voice you’ve always kept hidden. Robin Thicke sheds a single tear. You fight tooth and nail to make it to the two-hour finale, and now Ken Jeoung is squatting on top of the table in anticipation of hearing you belt in that furry, blue, one-eyed costume. You br-br-break it down to “This Is How We Do It,” and Nick Cannon screams in joyous rapture as you are announced the champion of this American reality TV series. T-Pain? More like T-Cocaine because you’ve just gotten the entire Tik-Tok generation addicted to The Masked Singer, single-handedly launching the show to a win at the very well-known 2020 Costume Designer’s Guild Awards. This is your new peak. It’s all downhill from here, but who cares? You’ve made history.
D: You are one of the shiny-eyed live audience members that make The Masked Singer so kick-ass. You jumped at the chance to fly across the country to Fox’s New York Studio, and chant, “Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!” as Lil Wayne struggles to remove the robot mask from his giant, cartoonish robot body, with the help of none other than host Nick “what is he wearing now?” Cannon. You guess along with every judge and have a secret crush on Judge Jenny McCarthy Wahlberg. Maybe you’ll slicka-slide into her DMs after the show.
Fail: You’ve understood nothing of the above two paragraphs because you walked away during The Masked Singer Superbowl commercials, or because you never got the appeal of the furry community. You crazy! You’re hoping this whole Masked Singer business will blow over so the world can go back to existing in the ’90s. You thought Robin Thicke was still cancelled, and that Nick Cannon was, too. You don’t want them to take off the costume—you don’t even want them to be wearing it in the first place. Fuck. You’re lost in this world, but you hide it so that no one knows. Wait… are you the masked singer?