Dear Potential Employers,
Please give me a job. I am very handsome and also good at Microsoft Excel. If it is a client-facing job you are offering, I am not so handsome that your clients will be distracted. But I am handsome. The type of handsome that brightens your day just enough to get you through your morning after another lonely night in another empty bed. You’ll brush past Cynthia at reception with an emphatic, “Don’t talk to me ’til I’ve had my Folgers!” I’ll chirp in from my desk, “I won’t!” I’ll laugh; you won’t. But you’ll smile—a small grin, a little sparkle in your eye, a knowing nod that says, “Thank you, Will. I am glad I hired you.” I am that type of handsome.
I am also very smart. And because I am very smart, I am always thinking. About business, and other things too. I like to think about stocks. They’re always going up and down and up again. I wonder if they will ever stay the same. I think about money. Money is important. Money is crazy. Money is green. I like the color green. It’s not easy being green. What was Jay Gatsby searching for when he stretched his arm out to that green light on the dock? Nick Carraway went to Yale! I think I was in section with him last semester. That’s pretty cool, right?
I am a member of many different extracurricular organizations. I am in an improv group, which will translate well to the workplace, because life is like a game of improv! I always lose. I’m just kidding! You can’t lose in improv. A joke like that would kill in improv. All in all, it never hurts to be quick on your feet! That’s what Usain Bolt’s dad told him, probably.
Finally, I am good at Microsoft Excel. I plug in the numbers and they go vroom vroom and come out as different numbers. I write equations and rev the engine. Sometimes I change the oil. Numbers are like cars.
I hope this letter finds you well and that you make the right decision. I will not let you down. O Captain! My Captain! Did you know that poem is actually about Abraham Lincoln?