Other Things to Light on Fire Instead of Our Country

Graphic by Robert Samec
Graphic by Robert Samec

Things have been tough lately, and it is becoming apparent that a shocking number of people on both sides of the political spectrum have recently been filled with an overwhelming desire to burn our country to the ground and start over. While I am ordinarily all in favor of mass destruction, I do have a vested interest in keeping our country intact—at least for the time being. So, I thought I would provide a helpful list of things you can obliterate instead of our country.

 

  1. The dance floor: Let’s be honest: these are basically obsolete now, and winter is coming. Why not chop up some of that wood and let out your rage while getting toasty next to the fireplace? Maybe Sean Kingston was on to something.
  2. The American Flag: More specifically, the All American Steakhouse flag that has been flying high outside The All American Steakhouse and Sports Theater in Manassas, Virginia since 1974. Show America and the world how angry you really are by destroying one of our country’s most sacred monuments.
  3. Everybody’s cell phone chargers: This is basically the same as lighting our country on fire except way easier and arguably more effective if your goal is to take down the state. Please make sure that you have unplugged the chargers before lighting them on fire.
  4. Some oranges: I’ve always kinda wanted to see what would happen if you lit an orange on fire. Please take a video and send it to me.
  5. Every copy of the original script of Home Alone 2, except one: Leave the last copy at the back of a cave, high in the mountains of a state whose name begins with M. Divulge the location only to the first bald eagle you see on your way down, and leave four other clues for the now-cellphone-less millennials searching for a shred of nostalgia. Then sit back and enjoy the chaos.

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