Fear and Loathing in Tubby Town

Illustration by Robert Samec

The Teletubbies are no strangers to trepidation. Amid controversies regarding their cult following, the gender nonconformity of their frontman, and long-fabled deleted scenes, the stars of BBC’s hit child entertainment series have weathered a great deal. This week, the Herald booked interviews with each of the show’s leads and asked them to name their worst fears.

Tinky Winky: Spiders

Tinky Winky | Teletubbies Wiki | Fandom

Tinky Winky went with an old faithful.

“With those big googly eyes, and those spindly little legs, boy, who wouldn’t be afraid of those critters? Sheesh, they give me the creeps!”

The purple teletubby is currently enjoying retirement in Cabo San Lucas.

“Although,” he adds, “it’s important to remember that you can never judge just based on appearances. Most likely, spiders are just as scared of you as you are of them!”

The Noo-Noo: That feeling you get when the doctor asks you if you’re sexually active and you freak out but then you realize your mom’s not there because you’re an adult so you relax and then you realize you’re not sexually active so that’s a whole thing and you get really self conscious but you have to answer so you just say “yeah”

Noo-Noo | Teletubbies Wiki | Fandom

So true, Noo-Noo.

Dipsy: Dick Cheney

Stuck | Teletubbies Wiki | Fandom

“Not because of the Bush-era stuff, either,” the green Teletubby admitted to our editors. “I just think the guy has bad vibes.”

Dick Cheney is an alum of Yale College. Among his notable achievements: shaping the Bush administration’s justification for the Iraq War, surviving a point-blank gunshot wound, propagating false connections between al-Qaeda and Iraq, and raking in $1M a year from Pentagon contractor Haliburton.

I’m scared of him too, Dipsy!

Laa-Laa: Aliens and shit

Laa-Laa | Ask-the-Teletubbies Wikia | Fandom

“You know they’re out there, right? Like it’s not a question at this point. They’re for sure out there,” the yellow Tubby insists.

NASA declined the Herald’s request for comment.

The Sun Baby: Pr’Margol, Equalizer of Time

The baby from Teletubbies reveals herself

The Sun Baby exists on levels you and I cannot begin to comprehend. Her fears, like her being, transcend our fragile timeline.

“Y̴̛̦̓̀̀̎̎͑̿͆͗̽o̵̧̫̰̹̫̔̉̑̐̚ǔ̸̧̝̳̩̬̭̫͔̭͕̖̻̼͔̀͆̒̑̋̉̒̌̊̒̈́͘̕͜r̷̫̰͚̪̟͙̦̺͕̦̖̿̈̊̕ ̸̠̻̪͙͕̭̬̩͎͆͐͋̈́̕q̸̨̬͙͍̟̱̰̘͓̖͂͜ͅū̵̦̮̭̺̠̖͚̑̈́̀͊̇̾̃̊̀̅̊̉͛͝e̴̤̗͕̦̝̒́s̴͙̈́̄̄̏̌̈́͠͠͝t̸̟̏͌̇͠i̵̧̛̛̠̯̟̯̟̝̭͔̦͉̭̺̞̽͋͛͊̉̕̕͝ǫ̵̡̬͈̯͓̱͈̱̙̫̇͋͋͌̉̈́͐̓̿͜͝͠ņ̸͉̱͖̝͎̦͔̝͕̬͌̊͊̅̅̎͂͂́͋͜͠͝ș̸͍͋̎̈̔͌͐̈̀̀̒̿͝ ̴̫͛́͂͊m̷̨̞͈̜͔̗̝̘̜̘̗̾͌̿̀̃͂͋͛͋͘ͅë̵̜̗̫́͌̈́̔̂̂̐́́̀̚ā̸͉͈̯̠͔̦͙͕̜̈́̉͘ņ̸̖̝̘̝̯̟̖̦̘̍̃̚ͅ ̴͇̫͈͍̳̫̝̹̑̇̈́̎̒̀̈́̚̕ͅn̷̡̯̞̝̠̗̈̽̔̒̎̈́̒̄̊̈́̂͠ͅo̷̰͋̿̿͂̆̒̽̔͘͠ť̷̢̛̯̗̪͚͚͙̱̼̼̘̭̞̇͘h̶͔̭͍͇̖̎̾̐͋̉̋̈́͂̈͋͘̕ī̶̯̹͝͠n̷̰̦̜͙̮͚̉̓̔̊͗͠g̵̛̼̈̿̐̆̑̓̂̓͛̑̅̋̊͠ ̴̢̧͕̝͎͎̙̌̌́̊́̆̑̄͐͑͘͘͜͠͠͝t̵͖͔̰͉̻͒̍̔͌͆̎̈́̽̊̇̕͝ớ̸̛͉̦͐̈́͋̿̿̌́ ̵̞̬̟̞̟̄͑m̷͙̙̺͙̺͕͔̭̩̂̎̽́e̴̖̩̝͙̻̗̘̭̺̞̾̇̍̽.̷̩̣͎̗̙͕͓͔̲͇̻̔̊͗̔̓͒̂͒̅̈́̾͗͝ ̴̢̛͎̖̮͈͔͚͈͆̓Ḯ̵͕̱̬̞̬͍̙̻̳̰̪͆̇̌̔̚͜͝ ̷͚̭̀̀͐͛̆̾̉̆̆̈́̍̐͝h̴̉̔̃̈́ͅá̶̛̫̮̬̲͚͖̖͚̺̣͌̄͜͝v̵͓̂̇̌̏ͅe̴̛͉͝ ̷̡̧̳̺͙̪̗̫̗̹͍̘̭̫̪͋̽͑̋̚s̴̢̡͎̖̤̫͙͚͈̲̪͎͛́̀͗̚͝e̶̗̗̭͓̫̊̑̍̾͗̔̑̊͘͘e̷̯̜̮̭̟̻̱̐̂̽́̀͂́͛̚̕̚n̴̝̈͐͐ ̶̪̝̗̼͕̱̙̪̜̣̗̯̙̍͑̅͗͒̊͝͝ḫ̸̈́͋o̷͖̹̓w̴̨͚̘̘͂͒͂̀͆͛͑͌̊̀̃͋̂̄ ̶̧̞̦̝̳̱͉̮͚̬̩͉͕̫̌̈́̾̅͛̕ȳ̷̧̛͎̹̖̥̟͎͇̜̉̏͋̆͆̆̄̐͝ō̴̠̦̞̚ủ̶̖̯̲̳̎̋͋͒̏ ̴̦̮̹͙͚͖̣̘̼̲̮̞͎̋̋͌̆̈́͌̊͂̇̌̑͝͠͝ͅe̸͌͐̓͗̉̎̎̉̈́͌̄̚ͅn̴̡̡̼̺̯͑d̸̦̲̅̍” the baby told our editors.

Po: Tinky Winky

The disguise of " adult in The Télétubbies | Spotern

Po had little in the way of explaining her fear, mostly pacing frantically around our conference room.

“What’s in the bag? What’s in the bag????”

Po, you’re so silly!

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