The Halloween Hierarchy

Illustrated by Zawar Ahmed

A walk around during this time of year has a unique feel to it—the crisp morning air, the vibrant New England trees, and the crunchy leaves underfoot that mimic the sound of Halloween candy wrappers. Some houses may be hubs for king-sized candy bars; others, for healthy snacks like carrots (which should be avoided at all costs, by the way). Before braving the Halloween scene, any trick-or-treater worth their chocolate has to have a clear hierarchy of candy in mind. That’s where I come in.

  1. Swedish Fish: If Halloween candy is a vessel to remind you of childhood, Swedish Fish are the epitome of a happy Halloween haunt. Their level of almost-getting-stuck-in-your-teeth chewiness is a hallmark of a great candy experience. Some may argue that their waxy texture is a detraction, but that’s half of the fun. Think back to your childhood and tell me how many times you put things that definitely were not edible into your mouth. Swedish Fish are the perfect way to satisfy the animalistic urge to test new objects by eating them while having absolutely no downsides (besides a sugar hangover the next day). To top it all off, Swedish Fish have an indescribable but addictive flavor that you can’t find anywhere else. Mark’s measure: 9/10

  2. Kit Kats: Kit Kats are a staple of any good Halloween night. The airiness of the wafers gives them a refreshing feel, unlike other candies that will bog you down. Kit Kats are the type of candy that you can eat in between houses for a boost of energy, and that’s what we all need when trudging around the neighborhood for hours on end. While I wouldn’t reach for a Kit Kat as my first choice, I’d give it a spot in the top five, so break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar! Mark’s measure: 8/10

  3. Milk Duds: Milk Duds are always the last candy in the bowl to go, but I think they’re not given their due respect. Their caramel-to-chocolate-ratio differentiates them from the mountains of chocolate-centric candy that end up in the average trick-or-treater’s bag, making them a perfect palate cleanser. These little morsels will get stuck in your teeth (and mind) until the new year, but they’re so worth it (don’t tell my dentist I said that). Mark’s measure: 7/10

  4. Twizzlers: Twizzlers remind me of my ex: so enticing upon the initial introduction and a hot mess once you get to know them. I feel bad hating on Twizzlers since I wish I could bottle their scent and hang it in front of my nose as an air freshener, but their taste is simply offensive. Every time I smell a Twizzler, I feel like Odysseus being drawn by the Sirens, knowing that I can enjoy them from afar, but shouldn’t dare to get up close and personal. Mark’s measure: 6/10

  5. Candy corn: Do I even have to review this one? Candy corn is a sad excuse for a Halloween candy that was probably made up by candle makers with leftover wax to offload for a measly profit. You know how I said Swedish Fish were waxy in a good way? This is the exact opposite side of the spectrum: just wax for the sake of being wax. No flavor, no texture, but I’ll give them a point for their iconic design and another for their ability to be used as a decoration since no one will eat them anyways. Mark’s measure: 2/10

Leave a Reply