Five Things to do When You Find Yourself in a Godless Moment

Illustrated by Melissa Wang

A Godless moment is one of those episodes in which you realize that things just aren’t going your way. Your friends can’t possibly understand and you stopped going to church a long time ago and you laugh at the notion of confiding in your family and you have yet to hear anything from Yale Mental Health two months after your intake appointment. Compiled is a list of things you can do to cope a little better during these long days. 

1. Flip a coin!

Ask yourself any yes or no question. Heads means yes. Tails means no. 

Here are some examples: Should I work on my essay tomorrow? No. Will that boy in class talk over me again? Yes. Does my professor like me? No. Do my friends like me? No. Will I die in the next twenty years? No. Will I die in the next ten years? Yes. Should I eat the Berkeley pizza again tonight? Yes. Am I lovable? No.

When you get an answer that you don’t like, flip again! Flip as many times as you want! Flip until you get the right answer for every single question. After you have exhausted every question in your head and calmed every anxiety, place the coin on the ground for someone else to use. Heads down! There’s only so much luck in the world to go around.

2. Scroll through TikTok!

Scroll until you find a TikTok of a girl with excited eyes covering her mouth, captioned, “I duetted this TikTok and the next day he texted me!” Duet the video! Hold your thumb down on the red button as you record yourself. Watch yourself on your phone, lying at a decrepit angle on your bare mattress while your roommate snores quietly in the bunk under you. Convince yourself that you can be noticeable. That if you tried, you could be more than noticeable; you could be desirable. Then delete the video. The next day, don’t get too excited every time your phone rings. Don’t be crass. That shit won’t help someone like you.

3. Get your palm read!

Get a palm reading from a fortune teller downtown. Maybe in your friend’s suite. Or just stop a passerby and ask her to read your palm. Listen to what each of them say. Listen to the fortune teller when they tell you that they see great promise after a great struggle and that right now, you are in the great struggle. Listen to your friend when he tells you that you can stay the night, that he’d feel more secure if you weren’t sleeping alone tonight. Listen to the passerby when she says that you are going to live a long life. Try not to laugh. Since it tickles. Or for the other reason.

4. Buy yourself a birthday cake!

Even if it’s not your birthday. Especially if it’s not your birthday. Buy the number of candles for the age you want to be and go to the New Haven Green. Announce that it’s your birthday and have people sing to you. Before you blow out the candles, make a wish. Don’t tell anybody the wish though! You know the rule: if you make a wish and tell somebody, it won’t come true. Even though some part of you knows it’s a hoax, make sure to never tell anybody what you hoped for. After all, isn’t it nice to not be responsible? Isn’t it a little comforting to believe in something false? 

5. Eat a fortune cookie!

Don’t bother with the paper slip inside. Just eat the thing whole.

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