Dear Little Wenker,
I’ve been wrestling with this for a long time, but I finally have the courage to anonymously say it: I hate acapella. I hate the swaying. I hate the audience fanning the singers as if a non-instrumental undergrad rendition of “Someone Like You” is just too hot for a poorly-lit lecture hall at 8 p.m. And above all, I absolutely HATE sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see if a girl in a skater dress can push her belt higher than she’s ever done before during the solo of “American Boy.” But every semester, I’m bombarded with invitations to acapella concerts and droncerts (drunk concerts) and jams where alums stretch their threadbare Whiffenpoof t-shirts over their dad bellies to drunkenly scream praises at 19-year-old boys. I love my friends, but this year I’m also trying to love myself. What should I do?
Any readers who’ve been to a liberal arts college have been in this situation. Thank you for finally bringing it to light.
First, a quick thing. Lil is short for Lillian, not Little. My parents didn’t name me “Little Wenker.” Lil Wenker isn’t much better, but at least they didn’t want me to suffer…right?
The answer to your question is simple: food poisoning. Unlike the more conventional fake-illnesses, like PMS or COVID, there isn’t a limit on how many times you can get it. Puking your guts out is excuse enough to stop the acapella aggressor right in their tracks! No more questions, no more “Can I bring you some soup?” The last thing this singing sycophant wants to think about while scream-harmonizing Destiny’s Child is you upchucking a toilet bowl full of drunken noodles from the Thai restaurant down the street. And the best part is that food poisoning only lasts 24 hours, enough for them to butcher an entire Beyoncé album without you having to miss Woads the next day.
There’ll be plenty of suffering during your liberal arts education: pillowtalk about Nietzsche, pillowtalk about the Oxford comma, people who quote Fourcoult (especially during pillowtalk). Don’t suffer for acapella any longer.
Good luck (and please report back),