Simulacra and (Nipple) S(t)imulation
Josie Ingall
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of a Hanes Boys Ribbed Tank must be in want of her nipples being visibly erect under said tank. This truth dates back to at least the Regency era, though the same cannot be said of the Walmart five-pack of the aforementioned garment, reasonably priced at $9.98.
But! I am not here to talk about little boy-sized tank tops! You have long known that you can buy those at the store. With the release of SKIMS ULTIMATE BRA NIPPLE PUSH-UP BRA, now you can buy the nipples, too.
SKIMS, for the uninitiated, is Kim Kardashian’s shapewear brand. A month ago, they debuted a push-up bra with molded foam nipples embedded in the cups. It costs $62 and is currently sold out in every size and color. I believe this is a triumph of the feminist movement.
Let me explain. I am now in my post-post-bra era. A couple of years ago I felt liberated at the prospect of the entire shape of my (real) breast and nipple being discernible to everyone I met. No longer. I am a super-senior at Yale College on the precipice of adult life. I have real responsibilities. People expect things from me. For God’s sake, I am the Monday-Wednesday undergraduate front desk associate at the Poorvu Center for Teaching and Learning! I have appearances to keep up! I have sweaters to fill out! My back hurts!
That being said, when I do go braless, I hope to be a little cold all day. This is because erect nipples are sexy. I am constantly striving to take advantage of this fact. When I hear my lover’s key in the lock of the front door, I crack the window. Sometimes, I look up at the likeness of a particularly sexy monastic schoolteacher in the lead glass of the Slavic Reading Room, and I crack that window, too.
But this constant window-opening is not tenable in the depths of winter. I have dry skin.
Now there is another way. Women should not have to choose between a supportive underwire and nippular visibility! And soon, the notion that they once did will seem just as antiquated as the mutual exclusivity of children and career.
Some would criticize the molded foam nipple on the grounds that it is “fake.” As these critics surely recognize, our world is otherwise one in which the female body is sacrosanct—never unduly modified or distorted, and represented in popular culture with only the highest regard for authenticity. Just kidding. Everything is fake, which is fun. I especially like those pink frosted grocery store cookies. Read Baudrillard.
The fact that everything is fake is the premise of our shared culture and our main source of stable selfhood. Nietzsche wrote that “it is no more than a moral prejudice that truth is worth more than mere appearance.” He exhorts us to “risk trying even what is artificial—as the real artists of life do.” RIP Nietzsche. You would have loved SKIMS ULTIMATE BRA NIPPLE PUSH-UP BRA.
On the Pleasures of the Real
Lucy Santiago
The sexual appeal of the hard, visible nipple is undeniable. Just google Brigitte Bardot. But Kim Kardashian’s SKIMS ULTIMATE BRA NIPPLE PUSH-UP BRA perpetuates the Barbie-boob monolith.
For far too long we have been valorizing this shape. A near-spherical breast, with a nipple protruding meekly from the center, has become the order of the day. It is in imitation of those dubious fake tits that we seek the SKIMS ULTIMATE BRA NIPPLE PUSH-UP BRA.
But how easily we forget the diverse knockers of the past! The milky, heaving bosoms of Josie’s Regency era—the pigeon-like low breasts of the Victorian Era—the flat chests of the Jazz Age—the nightmarish cones of the 1950s—such creativity! Such vision! Now, we serve the hegemony of the boob job. It is dull work.
The real breast is alive with energy. Malleable, soft, full of motion! It begs for your touch. The SKIMS ULTIMATE BRA NIPPLE PUSH-UP BRA begs for your camera lens.
I say no. The SKIMS ULTIMATE BRA NIPPLE PUSH-UP BRA is overindulgent. It modifies the shape, size, and position of the nipple on the breast. What is left of the true breast? What is left of the true self? Perhaps artifice is the basis of art, but so too is nature.
Women, breast-lovers, and those in the center of that Venn diagram, I implore you: listen to the nipple—gateway to breastmilk, feast for the senses. Do not smother it with a poor imitation of itself. Should that beautiful nipple go silent, let it not be for long. Reach out, touch. Stimulate.
