Finding a Formal Date for my Suitemate

Hey Facebook! Calling all Yale men: are you an eligible bachelor looking for the *perfect* date to first year formal? Stop looking right now. Please go with my suitemate. Please. 

Pros: 

  • Super interesting life story, loves to talk about herself! Like a lot! Like so much!
  • She did Girl Scouts and has her own fire-starter kit so you will never be cold. You’ll also always have to sleep in a tent, which isn’t really a problem because with the Amazon Rainforest noise machine turned to full blast you won’t be sleeping much anyway.
  • She’s funny? Last week she told me she wished I would go sleep in a barn because I already smell like horse shit. I cried a little. But she laughed.  

Cons: 

  • She leaves dirty dishes in the common room constantly and I swear I think the food she’s eating is still alive. 
  • She is insufferable when drunk. I thought when she peed in my closet that was the worst it could get. I was wrong! 
  • She’s wanted in the state of Idaho for arson. Like how? 

Other notable qualities: 

  • One time in high school she did that thing where you pay five grand to play white savior in Central America for two weeks.
  • She loves aromatherapy and leaves candles burning in our room a lot. If I’m lucky, she’ll only drip the wax on my forehead while I’m awake. 
  • Sometimes she disappears for days at a time and comes back smelling like smoke. I’m really nervous about this arson thing.

Please take her to formal. Literally nothing would disqualify you from this opportunity. She asked me to do this and has been nagging me constantly. I’m begging you. Please.

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