An Imagined Conversation between the Section Asshole and the Professor of My 9:00 a.m.

It’s a chilly, rainy, sad Thursday morning, the kind when you forget your umbrella at home because being miserable feels right. You slept in your clothes the night before, knowing you wouldn’t shower before class and would wake up five minutes before your professor starts taking attendance in WLH004. This basement fucking reeks. Someone is talking about how this random childhood memory relates directly to Dante’s Inferno when the section asshole opens his goddamn mouth… 

Asshole:  I just thought it was interesting that.

[Silence]

Professor:  That… what?

A:  No, that’s my full comment.

P:  So, you have nothing to say about today’s readings?

A:  Okay, you and I both know that I never do the readings. I don’t even bother to SparkNotes them. I say, “Something I found interesting” or “To piggyback off that,” and then I just talk and talk until I notice that everyone is nodding in unison.

P:  Well, I guess I’ll let it slide every now and then—

[Asshole looks sad, begins to pack bag. Professor remembers he has tenure.]

P:  Eh, you know what, scratch that. Let’s do this every class for the rest of the semester.

A:  [excited] Really? I can’t wait to make the atmosphere more intimidating by using irrelevant buzz words like “Victorian,” “modernist,” and “navigating the subaltern nation-state.”

P:  Ugh. Perfect. 

A:  So, we’re gonna turn this capped 18-person seminar into a one-on-one “conversation”?

P:  Yeah. Sure. 

A:  I just wanted to make sure because I noticed that one guy who always raises his hand. You know that guy? As soon as he does, you say, “We should move on.”

P:  No, I notice him. It’s just that he asks a lot of questions. For real. Also, can you do me a favor and interrupt him every time he tries to begin a sentence? And also, answer his questions even though they weren’t directed at you at all?

A:  No, yeah, I was planning to do that anyway. Just another quick question. Do you or do you not want me to take out every pencil, pen, highlighter, marker, and owl-feathered quill I own and lay them all across the table?

P:  Is it completely unnecessary?

A:  Yeah.

P:  Go right ahead… Professor. [He winks.]

A:  Oh, Professor! 

[Asshole:  (*^.^*)]

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