Your New Year’s Resolution Sucks

Stop pretending. January’s over, and so are your “goals” for the year. You’re not going to read more. You can barely handle Audible. You haven’t been to Payne Whitney Gym since the week of New Year’s. Stop telling people “It’s just that it’s the beginning of the semester, I’ll go once my schedule stops being busy.” And that thing about saving more money? You have four different UberEats drivers in your Facebook friends list. Pathetic.

It’s not your fault, truly. Think about it. You made these resolutions because there were things that you weren’t doing that you thought you should be doing. But why weren’t you doing them in the first place? Because they’re unpleasant. You shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Because of that, I propose to you a new, revised list of eight resolutions that should be a little more achievable:

  1.  Watch more Netflix: You hate it when everyone else is talking about a show you haven’t watched. Skip that pset, watch another episode.

  2.  Spend more on food: Food costs money. You like food. Go hit up Marco on Facebook messenger; he’s probably already got your GHeav order waiting.

  3.  Gather a team and destroy the Cross Campus flagpole: Who put that there? Why did someone put that there?

  4.  Catch coronavirus: I’m pretty sure you can get a Dean’s excuse for this. Enjoy your day off classes.

  5.  Moon Peter Salovey: You know you want to… again.

  6.  Burn down a Yale science building: Someone already beat you to it with the KBT but everything else is fair game. 

  7.  Get your roommate expelled: You deserve that single. 

  8.  Drink more water: It’s good for your skin!

There you have it: eight resolutions that aren’t a total drag. Have a good year, and remember, I have physics in Watson.

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